FRIENDSHIPS AHHH

Hi everyone, so on Thursday and Friday, I didn’t post anything. On Thursday, I had to write ten pages for Friday, and I had to skip supporting my friend in a school performance. So I was pretty upset about that. I did hang out with them at the school, though, until 5:30, when I decided I had to leave. Until then, a number of things had been going on. I was hanging out with my friends, and I don’t really remember what happened, but I felt tired. Lately, “tired” and “sad” have become the same word in my vocabulary.

Anyway, I was tired, and I took a walk to the bathroom with a friend who isn’t really a part of my friend group. I remember telling her what happened, and I remember her telling me, “Your friends kind of put you down.”

Heather wasn’t there, but I need to come up with names for my other friends: Belle, Alice, Meg, Wendy, and Ariel (I’m a big Disney fan).

I told Alice, “I thought the problem was only Meg, but I think it might be Wendy, too.”

I’d had problems with Meg in the past, and she wasn’t the nicest person ever. I’d tried to separate myself from her, but that would mean separating from Belle, Wendy, Ariel, and Heather, too.

I went on, “Wendy has told me she doesn’t really like how Meg treats people, including herself, but acts just like her when they’re together. And when I’m the target, it becomes two-on-one.”

“Yeah, I noticed that, too, and I’m not even friends with them,” Alice said.

We talked a lot, and basically, we came to one conclusion: I had to fully and successfully separate myself from Meg.

So I kind of spent the rest of my time there avoiding Meg and Wendy, walking Alice to a different room and hanging out there for a bit. At one point, Belle came to find me and we talked about everything I talked about with Alice. She was supportive, but Meg didn’t bother her, so she didn’t really know what to do or say to comfort me. She’s a great friend, though.

Then, “Dan”, one of my favorite teachers, approached me and asked if I was okay, and I told him yes. He said that I still seemed my optimistic self, but more stressed and tired. Tired=sad.

I went home after that, walking with Belle to the subway, to go home and write ten pages (eight for one research paper, two for another), because I’m a terrible procrastinator. I went to bed at 2, and woke up at 6 to finish what was left.

The next day, Friday, yesterday, I talked with him after school. For like forty-five minutes. About it all. And he told me the same thing Alice did: that I have to separate myself from Meg. He said that on paper, I could still be friends with her, but to limit my contact with her. He said that Heather and I should break off from the group entirely, because Meg was bullying us both.

So, yesterday, I avoided Meg, which wasn’t very hard because I’d realized I’d been doing that for some time, and I had other friends than in my friend group, so I was fine. I came home, and had a family dinner. It was nice. We had guests. My neighbor/friend was there. It was relieving. It was my last day of classes for the first semester! I have two finals next week, and then a week off. I’m feeling better. Everyone left around 11, and by 11:30, I was ready for bed, which is why I didn’t post yesterday, either.

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It’s Fri(endship troubles)day.

It’s Friday! TGIF and all that. But not this Friday. I had friendship dramas. Can I just come up with a name for her? She’s the same friend I’ve talked to about my issues and she’s the same friend who confided in me about her self-harming. I’ll just call her Heather. I like the name Heather. It’s like Heaven and Feather combined.

So Heather knew from a while ago how I used to self-harm, and she thought she was picking up signs from me that I might be doing that stuff again. I’m not, just to clarify. I feel like if I were, I wouldn’t be comfortable having a blog like this. But she was worried. She’s been worried. Since Monday. And she talked to our favorite teacher, “Dan” about this. And Dan told her to go to guidance. So she did. She told them both she was worried I was suicidal.

Now, these conversations have been going on since Monday. That’s a school week. After our sixth period class, we both have a free seventh on Fridays which we use to talk to Dan, since we don’t have him for a teacher anymore. Today, she said “Could you give me five minutes to talk to him by myself and then come?” I thought this was kind of weird and rude, but I said okay, and talked to some classmates at some study tables in a hallway.

She walked the hallway a couple times, each time telling me she needed just a bit more time. After about ten-ish/fifteen-ish minutes, she approached me. I got up, walked over to her, saw her look of hesitation and concern, and asked if everything was all right, if she wanted to talk about it. She tentatively told me it wasn’t about her and gave me a pointed look. And I was too slow to understand, so she explicitly said, “It’s not about me, but about you.”

I was surprised at first, then mad when I realized that she was talking to our favorite teacher about some supposed problem I have. I figured that I should at least know what she was concerned about. She told me: “I think you’re going through some stuff and it’s a very stressful time…” She didn’t want to outright say it. She wanted to be careful to as not hurt my feelings, but she didn’t know I was already hurt. “We can go to the guidance office together. I already talked to our councilor.”

The only thing I could think was that she went behind my back and told people that I had a non-existent problem without coming to me first. She didn’t talk to me first. My best friend didn’t approach me about this, when we always approached each other about everything.

So I kind of raised my voice at her. I didn’t yell, but I didn’t hide my feelings and my hurt. And then I walked away with the last word and tears in my eyes. Eventually, after twenty minutes, I went to guidance to clear everything up. The councilor believed me that nothing was going on, and was mostly concerned with Heather’s and my relationship. I talked out my frustrations with her before leaving her office.

1. BREATHE. Square breathing, remember? Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four, exhale for four, hold out for four. You do this four times to calm down and be in a good state of mind.

2. TALK TO HER. Let her know how you feel in a calm way.

3. LISTEN to her as well. Your’s isn’t the only side of this. Heather was just scared for me and was scared I’d have a bad reaction if she had just talked to me first. I don’t think I would have, but I guess there’s no way to know.

4. TAKE TIME AND SPACE to get over it. Don’t suppress it and pretend it never happened. Give her and yourself time and space. As much as she or you need. We each apparently needed an awkward two minutes of staring at the floor between us before bursting into tears and crying and hugging.

5. DON’T HOLD A GRUDGE. After everything’s out in the open, and everyone’s apologized, when you’re ready to forgive and move on, do just that. Hug it out. Cry it out. We did. It worked.

There’s tension between us. But Thank God It’s Friday. Hopefully it’ll all be long behind us by Monday.