FRIENDSHIPS AHHH

Hi everyone, so on Thursday and Friday, I didn’t post anything. On Thursday, I had to write ten pages for Friday, and I had to skip supporting my friend in a school performance. So I was pretty upset about that. I did hang out with them at the school, though, until 5:30, when I decided I had to leave. Until then, a number of things had been going on. I was hanging out with my friends, and I don’t really remember what happened, but I felt tired. Lately, “tired” and “sad” have become the same word in my vocabulary.

Anyway, I was tired, and I took a walk to the bathroom with a friend who isn’t really a part of my friend group. I remember telling her what happened, and I remember her telling me, “Your friends kind of put you down.”

Heather wasn’t there, but I need to come up with names for my other friends: Belle, Alice, Meg, Wendy, and Ariel (I’m a big Disney fan).

I told Alice, “I thought the problem was only Meg, but I think it might be Wendy, too.”

I’d had problems with Meg in the past, and she wasn’t the nicest person ever. I’d tried to separate myself from her, but that would mean separating from Belle, Wendy, Ariel, and Heather, too.

I went on, “Wendy has told me she doesn’t really like how Meg treats people, including herself, but acts just like her when they’re together. And when I’m the target, it becomes two-on-one.”

“Yeah, I noticed that, too, and I’m not even friends with them,” Alice said.

We talked a lot, and basically, we came to one conclusion: I had to fully and successfully separate myself from Meg.

So I kind of spent the rest of my time there avoiding Meg and Wendy, walking Alice to a different room and hanging out there for a bit. At one point, Belle came to find me and we talked about everything I talked about with Alice. She was supportive, but Meg didn’t bother her, so she didn’t really know what to do or say to comfort me. She’s a great friend, though.

Then, “Dan”, one of my favorite teachers, approached me and asked if I was okay, and I told him yes. He said that I still seemed my optimistic self, but more stressed and tired. Tired=sad.

I went home after that, walking with Belle to the subway, to go home and write ten pages (eight for one research paper, two for another), because I’m a terrible procrastinator. I went to bed at 2, and woke up at 6 to finish what was left.

The next day, Friday, yesterday, I talked with him after school. For like forty-five minutes. About it all. And he told me the same thing Alice did: that I have to separate myself from Meg. He said that on paper, I could still be friends with her, but to limit my contact with her. He said that Heather and I should break off from the group entirely, because Meg was bullying us both.

So, yesterday, I avoided Meg, which wasn’t very hard because I’d realized I’d been doing that for some time, and I had other friends than in my friend group, so I was fine. I came home, and had a family dinner. It was nice. We had guests. My neighbor/friend was there. It was relieving. It was my last day of classes for the first semester! I have two finals next week, and then a week off. I’m feeling better. Everyone left around 11, and by 11:30, I was ready for bed, which is why I didn’t post yesterday, either.

My Zoology Teacher Is A Jerk (How Do I Deal With Insomnia?)

You know what she did? She assigned a 6-page research paper. What about? Anything. We pick the topic. Show her an outline. She’s gotta approve it. Due today. Everyone’s freaking out last night, because us high schoolers are horrible procrastinators. Isn’t in school today. It’s due Friday. Just wanted to see who did it for the day it was due. Nice. Thanks for that.

Anyway, how are you guys? I haven’t posted for a couple days. I decided that I wouldn’t post on Sundays and Mondays because now I take an SAT prep class Sundays for four hours, but takes six hours out of my day in all honesty. I mean, I have to wake up, get ready, eat breakfast, drink coffee, take the train there. About an hour and a half. And then another half an hour to get home–that’s six hours. Then I have to eat (by the time I get home, it’s two), do what’s left of my procrastinated homework, waste some time, eat dinner. So there you go.

MONDAYS: I have dance class/rehearsal after school until 7:45, so I only get home around 8:15, when I have to eat my dinner, and do my homework.

BUT LAST NIGHT, I got home a bit after eight, and fell asleep on the couch in my clothes without dinner. I’ve been sort of not been able to sleep for the past week or so? I assume it’s stress, but who knows?

I guess this is what I’d suggest I do, and what you should do, too, if you’re having similar issues.

1. DON’T LOOK AT SCREENS for at least an hour before going to sleep. Try reading, knitting, doing work off-screens. At least try for half an hour. I know it’s hard.

2. EAT NORMALLY. Like, healthy food, no caffeine!!

3. EXERCISE regularly! It helps with things! I also find that when I exercise shortly before I sleep, it’s easier to fall asleep. I guess that’s what happened yesterday.

4. TRY WRITING before sleeping, or doing something that is a stress-reliever to you. Maybe your issue is too much stress?

5. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, MAYBE SEE SOMEBODY. I feel like this is the final step in anything I could ever write on this blog.

So, good luck in sleep troubles! And wish me luck in mine!

It’s Fri(endship troubles)day.

It’s Friday! TGIF and all that. But not this Friday. I had friendship dramas. Can I just come up with a name for her? She’s the same friend I’ve talked to about my issues and she’s the same friend who confided in me about her self-harming. I’ll just call her Heather. I like the name Heather. It’s like Heaven and Feather combined.

So Heather knew from a while ago how I used to self-harm, and she thought she was picking up signs from me that I might be doing that stuff again. I’m not, just to clarify. I feel like if I were, I wouldn’t be comfortable having a blog like this. But she was worried. She’s been worried. Since Monday. And she talked to our favorite teacher, “Dan” about this. And Dan told her to go to guidance. So she did. She told them both she was worried I was suicidal.

Now, these conversations have been going on since Monday. That’s a school week. After our sixth period class, we both have a free seventh on Fridays which we use to talk to Dan, since we don’t have him for a teacher anymore. Today, she said “Could you give me five minutes to talk to him by myself and then come?” I thought this was kind of weird and rude, but I said okay, and talked to some classmates at some study tables in a hallway.

She walked the hallway a couple times, each time telling me she needed just a bit more time. After about ten-ish/fifteen-ish minutes, she approached me. I got up, walked over to her, saw her look of hesitation and concern, and asked if everything was all right, if she wanted to talk about it. She tentatively told me it wasn’t about her and gave me a pointed look. And I was too slow to understand, so she explicitly said, “It’s not about me, but about you.”

I was surprised at first, then mad when I realized that she was talking to our favorite teacher about some supposed problem I have. I figured that I should at least know what she was concerned about. She told me: “I think you’re going through some stuff and it’s a very stressful time…” She didn’t want to outright say it. She wanted to be careful to as not hurt my feelings, but she didn’t know I was already hurt. “We can go to the guidance office together. I already talked to our councilor.”

The only thing I could think was that she went behind my back and told people that I had a non-existent problem without coming to me first. She didn’t talk to me first. My best friend didn’t approach me about this, when we always approached each other about everything.

So I kind of raised my voice at her. I didn’t yell, but I didn’t hide my feelings and my hurt. And then I walked away with the last word and tears in my eyes. Eventually, after twenty minutes, I went to guidance to clear everything up. The councilor believed me that nothing was going on, and was mostly concerned with Heather’s and my relationship. I talked out my frustrations with her before leaving her office.

1. BREATHE. Square breathing, remember? Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four, exhale for four, hold out for four. You do this four times to calm down and be in a good state of mind.

2. TALK TO HER. Let her know how you feel in a calm way.

3. LISTEN to her as well. Your’s isn’t the only side of this. Heather was just scared for me and was scared I’d have a bad reaction if she had just talked to me first. I don’t think I would have, but I guess there’s no way to know.

4. TAKE TIME AND SPACE to get over it. Don’t suppress it and pretend it never happened. Give her and yourself time and space. As much as she or you need. We each apparently needed an awkward two minutes of staring at the floor between us before bursting into tears and crying and hugging.

5. DON’T HOLD A GRUDGE. After everything’s out in the open, and everyone’s apologized, when you’re ready to forgive and move on, do just that. Hug it out. Cry it out. We did. It worked.

There’s tension between us. But Thank God It’s Friday. Hopefully it’ll all be long behind us by Monday.

I Got Skills: I’m Stressed & How I Deal

The Daily Post‘s daily prompt is “I Got Skills,” and the prompt goes: If you could choose to be a master or mistress of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

My answer for this would have been different had I been asked yesterday, and would probably be different if asked tomorrow. But I was asked today, and I’ve had a pretty shitty day today. I would be the master (why can’t this be gender-neutral?) of writing. Essays, math proofs, articles, books, everything. I feel like this would solve all of my problems.

I need to write an essay for school for tomorrow. And then a research paper for Tuesday. And then another essay and research paper for next Friday. And then another essay for the following Tuesday. Finals are coming up, the semester is ending, and all of my teachers are piling so much work on us all. Why do they not seem to realize that giving us big, final projects is cliché and every teacher does it, amounting to so much work on top of all the studying we have to do for our precalculus and zoology finals? I do not know. But it happens every semester. The last two weeks are hell.

I’m worried for my entire future because of the stress I am having today. But it’s not like this stress in new–to me or to you. It’s no secret that students get stressed out. I feel like it’ll be so hard for me to properly articulate my words right now because I don’t know whether to be mad at my school for assigning this much work to me in a short period of time, to be mad at the American school system in which I fear my ability to get into college while I struggle here and now, or mad at myself for blogging instead of working.

I need to get this out, though. Are any of you out there, reading this? Whether you’re a student or just someone with deadlines chasing you down and are stressed about that.

If you read my last blog, “Almost An Addict,” then you know that this would be a moment for me to take an ibuprofen. I don’t know if you know how hard it is for me not to right now.

1. SQUARE BREATHING is when you inhale for a count of four, hold it in for a count of four, exhale for four, and hold out for four. This just calms you down, and helps clear your head. Sometimes that’s all you need. You can lie down on the floor on your back and do this if you need more relaxation.

2. DRINK COLD WATER. If the breathing didn’t do it for you, take a two-minute break to get yourself some ice-cold water. It’ll wake you up, allow you to move around a bit, and then you can get back to whatever you need to do.

3. CREATE A CHECKLIST of what you need to do and all the steps that need to be taken for that to happen. Like, I could write “Oedipus Essay: Choose prompt, create outline, look for quotes in book, write first draft, revise.” When I look at it like that, instead of seeing that I need to write an essay, I see that I need to choose a prompt. Baby steps are key.

4. SEE SOMEONE if you find you can’t calm down. My friend was dealing with anxiety and stress, and she repeatedly tried the first three things, even did some visualizing exercises, but found it did little to help her. So now she sees a therapist and I can see she’s become more relaxed and collected. I’m happy for her.

Well, wish me luck in my stress hole. I’m okay, and I’m going to write this essay now. After a glass of water. I wish you luck in anything stress or non-stress related!

I’ll blog more tomorrow, as well,

A